Double trouble of twin girls in two cultures

Raising twins is complicated in any environment but when they are raised in a multicultural home the situation can get complicated and sometimes quite messy.

The first issue is how to address them.

Somewhere I read that it's best not to emphasize which twin is technically older.

Sibling rivalry is sometimes heightened among twins, and even the smallest edge can be something to fight about. Some parents withhold the information about who was born first from their children for years.

In our girls' first few days of life, I saw that this would not be a possibility for our family.

This disclosure is one of many ways that Chinese childrearing methods have taken hold in our North American home.

When they were born, my Chinese-born wife and her mother immediately began talking about "the big one" and "the little one." They meant age, not size.

Every Chinese person who came to visit wanted to know which one was big and which was little. They still do.

I don't think I've ever heard any of them ask how great the age difference is. I used to volunteer that it was only a minute. They would nod politely - and promptly continue with "big/little".

I've overheard some Chinese utterances that sound strange to my ear. "The little one is actually bigger than the big one!" She certainly is because she is quite an eater.

I don't know if it's just a way to refer to them, since older/younger is built into the common Mandarin words for siblings, or if the terms carry their full weight, suggesting that the older one deserves a little extra respect.

I know it's inevitable they'll eventually start fighting over toys, and the older one will probably think she should win because she's the "big sister". Fortunately, I think I've figured out an appropriate response. I'll let their mother handle it Chinese way, which she'll do so as she does most of life's complexities.To be fair, my wife has adapted to, and even embraced, American habits on certain points.

For example, as we prepared to take the girls on a trip to China during their early months, we figured they'd attract a lot of attention in public. And we knew that well-intentioned Chinese people are quicker than Americans to reach out to touch a cute baby.

But ours were born a few weeks premature, and we were afraid their immune systems wouldn't be up to the challenge. We agreed to try to keep strangers from holding or touching them.

The twins' mother performed admirably, even when she had to be rude. When one smiling young woman leaned forward to grab a twin, she was left with an armful of air - and a shocked expression on her face - as my wife took two quick steps back.

On the other hand, my wife doesn't buy into the American way of putting babies into their own room with a baby monitor and pushing them to sleep through the night early on. She figures that babies feel more secure sleeping in their parents' room, and that they should develop their sleep habits in their own time.

She may be right. But ours still wake in the middle of the night, and that makes it hard in a nuclear family where both parents work full-time.

And I've never been able to convince her that the twins should wear regular American pants instead of Chinese-style crotchless or cut-out ones. She and her mother have always sworn that these pants make diapers easier to change.

My attempts have probably been some of the funniest moments of raising twins in a two-culture house. And some of the messiest.